Polyamorous relationships aren’t considered the normal state for people in our society but what is it really? Why are many people uncomfortable with the idea of polyamory? Is polyamory new? What makes it different from cheating? And where can we learn more about it? Let’s get curious together so we can better understand other ways of living.
What Are Polyamorous Relationships?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, polyamory is defined as, “the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.” But what does that actually mean? That depends. Polyamorous relationships, like so many types of relationships, can mean something different to different people.
At its heart, it means romantically loving more than one person at the same time. Generally, this is also meant in a sexual way but not always. Being human is complicated. Non-monogamy is another term to explore. It means having multiple sexual relationships that aren’t emotional. So, physical without the attachment. Both polyamory and non-monogamy are open and consensual. Everyone involved knows about each other even if they never meet.
Different Forms of Polyamory
Polyamorous relationships can take several different forms. This isn’t as straightforward as you might expect either. So, the types and definitions here may not be the only ones. If you’re curious and exploring, it’s a good idea to do a lot of research.
- Hierarchical: In this situation, there is a primary and secondary partner. A common case would be if there is a married couple and then a secondary partner. The relationship with the spouse would have priority over the secondary relationship.
- Non-hierarchical/Flat/Egalitarian: No one has priority before anyone else. Each relationship is unique and equal in importance.
- Solo-poly: Frequently a person who has multiple relationships but chooses to live alone. They don’t “nest” with any of their partners.
Again, these are only a few of the types that you may see when doing your research. Take your time to make sure you understand and don’t be afraid to discuss your feelings with your partner(s). Communication is important.
Myths and Misconceptions
Myth number one: Polyamory is cheating.
Facts: Polyamorous relationships require that everyone knows about each other and have given consent to the form of the relationships. Partners might choose not to meet one another but they always know about the relationship.
Myth number two: Polyamory is only about the sex.
Facts: Sex can be a feature of the relationships in polyamory. But it doesn’t have to be. Polyamory specifically means loving more than one person in a romantic way.
Myth number three: It’s bad for children.
Facts: There’s no evidence that growing up with polyamorous parents has a negative impact on children. It’s a more communal way of living when there are more adults in the home. And all families are complicated.
From the outside, it’s important to be curious but understanding. Find common ground and don’t make assumptions. People in consensual polyamorous relationships love each other as much as monogamous couples do.
Challenges of Polyamory
Being in a romantic relationship with one person can be complicated so adding more people to the mix adds more complexity. Poor communication about the boundaries of the relationships can lead to negativity and difficulty. It’s important that everyone involved has clear expectations. Every individual should speak up from the very beginning to express their feelings and what they expect and what’s off limits.
Managing your time is even more critical when you’re navigating relationships with more than one person. Each person will expect some of your time and energy. Managing that quality time is important. Don’t break promises. Disappointments may happen but communication is key again. Polyamorous relationships will require you to always be communicating.
Another challenge faced in some polyamorous relationships is jealousy. Even if everyone is clear on the expectations and knows what’s happening, adding a new person in your orbit can cause some feelings of being threatened. But feelings of jealousy come from within us. This is another time where communication is absolutely necessary. Share your feelings and both parties have to listen and be understanding to move through the difficult emotions. Relationship counseling isn’t out of line if you need more help.
Polyamory in History
It’s suspected that polyamorous relationships have existed throughout history. But the word, polyamory, first appeared in print in 1990. It appeared in Green Egg Magazine in an article called “A Bouquet of Lovers” which was written by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart. “Free love” movements that started in the 1800s started challenging what was considered normal in relationships. Then the 1960s and 1970s brought about the hippies and their colorful Bohemian, free-spirited lives and communal living.
The word polyamory, along with its other forms, was added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2006. In our modern times, the internet has created a way for people with different points of view and different lifestyles to connect and support one another. You can now find polyamory support groups and communities that are more easily accessible than it was for those folks in the early days.
In Conclusion
Love is love. In the case of polyamorous relationships, every person is a consenting adult who is fully aware of what they are agreeing to and do so with love and understanding. If you’re considering whether this lifestyle is right for you, there’s so much reading available as well as podcasts and more. Curiosity, communication, and kindness are key.
