Over the years, there has been a lot of discussion about vulnerability and authenticity in relationships. In my opinion, there cannot be a discussion about these without including the need for personal boundaries. Specifically, it is important to retain them and not merely create them. How can you effectively create boundaries for deeper relationships? I hope that this will serve as a guide to help you. I have been on both sides of this topic. I have been the one to create them, and I have had people share their own with me. The healthier and happier relationships I have today are the ones where the respect is mutual. I honor their boundaries, and they honor mine.
What is a Boundary?
Before discussing what a boundary is, I will discuss the myths and confusion around it. Boundaries are not:
Boundaries Are Not “Walls”
The purpose of walls in relationship is to keep people out and self-protect. One builds walls from the trauma response and because they lack the capacity to trust. Perhaps, you know what it is to be betrayed, deceived, or deeply disappointed by someone. On the heels of a wound like that, it may be tempting to put the self-defense mechanisms in high gear and build walls around your heart. After all, no one likes to be hurt or betrayed.
Boundaries Aren’t Punitive
If you have a conflict or misunderstanding arising in your relationship, you then decide its time to tell the person with whom you are arguing, “what will and will not be tolerated” from them going forward, that is an ultimatum. Ultimatums are punitive and threatening. Boundaries are neither punitive nor ultimatums.
The time to create a boundary is not when one already feels disempowered, frustrated, or resentful. The ideal time to create a boundary is before any resentment has an opportunity to form. Resentment is a result of suppressed anger toward someone. If you want to deepen your relationships and create boundaries, be proactive – not reactive.
Boundaries Are Guideposts
I think of a boundary as a guidepost that one puts up to protect the relationship. It is something I create for myself, but with the good of the other person in mind. How can this be a secret to stronger relationships?
Here is a personal example. Years ago, I volunteered for my parents, who were both ministers. I also held full-time jobs. Between the two, I was working 60 hours a week, and because a large part of this happened in church, weekends were not a time of rest. I returned to work every Monday, exhausted from serving all weekend long, and after a while I knew something had to change.
After some sound advice, I learned it was time to create boundaries. I had to step away from my church activities for an indefinite period. I also needed visit time with family to be about family and not an extension of church matters outside of the church context.
The Challenge That It Is to Create Boundaries for Deeper Relationships
I loved the people I had served. I enjoyed leading the groups I led, but I needed to create boundaries around my life so that I could achieve a healthier balance. I needed guidance in how to deepen relationships, create boundaries that I would adhere to. With the help of a close friend I “enlisted,” the discomfort of pushing against my comfort zone and my family’s comfort zone became something that strengthened me.
This was not well received initially. Boundaries were not something my parents knew or understood. They were constantly serving and causing their own hurt. Neither knew how to say no nor enough. The phone calls never went unanswered. Spontaneous visitors were invited to stay, even when they did not want any company. I do not fault them for this, but I knew I was not going to be able to follow that example. I did not know it then, but my health hung in balance.
This experience especially helped shape my empathy for clients who feel disempowered because they never knew the importance of or how to create healthy boundaries. They never gave themselves permission to express what they needed in their relationships, so it was frightening to take that step and let their voices be heard.
Boundaries Are Signposts of Love and Service
It is essential to communicate the boundaries you create. No one can be faulted for crossing a boundary they do not know you have. If you follow these guidelines, you have done so for the other person’s benefit as well as your own. In this way, creating boundaries is an act of love and service. Do you see how when you create these guidlines for deeper relationships, it can serve you in many ways? I urge you to think about the people in your life and ask yourself what can you do to deepen your relationships?
Boundaries Are Filters
Your feelings are legitimate and you deserve to be treated with respect. Hopefully, the people in your life have earned respect, and there is mutual kindness and love. When you begin to create boundaries, you quickly find out what your relationship is.
In this way your boundaries will act as a filter, showing you clearly, who deserves a seat at the table of your inner circle, and who may not. The people who truly love you will come to an understanding, even if they can’t completely agree with the guidelines you have set. This is why it is that much more beneficial for deeper relationships in your life.
Practical Application of a Boundary
There may be people in your life that you know will not be able to discuss certain topics without becoming agitated. It may be that you do not feel safe speaking to them about personal matters because they tend to belittle you or minimize your feelings. In this instance it may be necessary to create a boundary for your future conversations. What would keep the lines of communication open, without causing distress to you? Perhaps it could look something like this:
When this topic comes up, I’m going to respectfully ask that we change the subject or I’m going to have to leave the conversation.
This example of a boundary is designed to allow a flow of communication, safe guarding you both from entering into a potentially volatile argument. It is a boundary for you, your peace of mind, your relationship. What they may not realize is that the boundary is as much for their sake as it is for yours.
The guidepost/boundary reminds them that they are free to engage with you in every other way. Because you took the time to lovingly set it and communicate it, you have more opportunity to embrace the time you do spend together, without reservation. If you have not already done so, please give yourself permission to create boundaries for deeper relationships in your life. You deserve to healthy, soul satisfying relationships – and the people in your life need you to be real with them too.
