Committing to marriage should be a decision made after careful consideration by both individuals. We’ve been socialized to believe it should be emotional and spontaneous, that it’s romantic and perfect when you’ve found “the one.” But if that’s the case, then why do so many marriages end in divorce? Why are many couples unhappy? Marriage can be a beautiful partnership. But it isn’t as easy as fairytales and romances make it seem. Let’s talk about some things to consider before entering into the contract of marriage.
Understanding Your Personal Readiness
Before committing to a partnership with another person, you must understand yourself and what you want and expect from the relationship. You should consider the reality of marriage. What do you want from life? Consider your personal life goals. Do you have big career goals? Are you on a long education path, like heading toward a doctorate? Do you want to be a parent? Are you hoping to travel the world before settling down in one place? Or maybe you don’t want to settle in one place at all? Explore your life’s dreams. Sit down with a notebook and write a stream-of-consciousness list of what you want.
How do you feel about compromise? Are you used to getting your way? How flexible are you when in an argument? Even if your relationship has been smooth so far, disagreements are coming. It’s a natural part of close relationships. You’re two individuals making a life together. Are you emotionally ready to compromise when you don’t see eye to eye on something? That’s not to say you should just give in. But you’ll both need to be able to discuss differences of opinion and come to a middle ground.
Are you confident in your independence but also want to be part of a partnership? When you commit to marriage, you should both maintain your individual interests while coming together as partners for decisions affecting you as a family. It’s healthy for you both to engage in separate interests, but you should also make time for quality experiences together.
Evaluating Your Relationship
So you’ve decided you’re ready for marriage as an individual. Is your relationship up to the challenge? Let’s talk communication. How well do you communicate with each other? When something is bothering you, are you comfortable talking to them about it? Do they listen? Do you listen when they come to you? Or do you both keep things bottled up? Neither of you are mind readers. So you have to articulate your thoughts, needs, and desires to each other. Can you be honest with each other?
Think about the times you’ve had arguments or conflicts. How did you each deal with it? Were you able to talk about what happened and come to a resolution? Conflicts are going to arise once you’re married and living under one roof. Financial matters, child rearing style, and more will need to be handled and are frequently causes of arguments between couples. Do you know how to communicate when this happens? Can you both calm down and come back together to make a decision?
Most importantly, consider the values, goals, and expectations of each of you. Are they aligned? Are you religious or spiritual? Is your future partner? And if you don’t have the same beliefs, how does that make you feel? How does it make them feel? If you’re accepting of each other, that’s great. If not, this should be addressed before you say “I do.” And think back to those personal life goals you wrote down earlier. Are the two of you aligned?
Financial and Practical Considerations
Let’s talk money. It’s a difficult topic for some reason. Most people are uncomfortable talking about how much they make and how their finances are. But once you’re married, you’ll be managing a joint household. You should be comfortable in the security of being able to pay the bills each month. You don’t have to be wealthy, but you do have to be realistic. Consider the income you each make. How will you handle finances? Will you have a joint checking account for paying bills? Or will you each be responsible for certain things? These are important considerations.
What about housekeeping? How will the two of you manage the daily chores of keeping house? Talk about balancing your jobs with the housekeeping responsibilities and how those will be divided. Is one of you expecting the other one to do all of the housework? That’s unreasonable unless that person isn’t working in a job that brings money to the household. And, even if one of you will be a stay-at-home partner, there will be many times when the working partner should step in to help out. Discuss. You don’t want to find out the hard way that you’re with someone who doesn’t pull their weight.
And what about your long-term goals as a couple? This goes back to the first section again. Talk about what you want out of life, and make sure you’re aligned. If one of you wants six kids and the other wants none, that’s a deal-breaker unless one of you makes a big compromise. If you do make that concession, will you resent it later?
Emotional and Commitment Readiness
You’ve already thought about and talked about a lot of things related to marriage. The final consideration is whether you’re both equally invested in the partnership. Think about your relationship so far. Do you support each other’s personal growth? Do you support each other emotionally? Consider that marriage is more than romance and physical attraction. A marriage is real work, and it’s difficult. If you’re committed to each other and life together, then you’ll be amazing together.
Conclusion
It’s all about communication, in the end. Be honest with each other. Be honest with yourself. Lying to yourself about the relationship will only lead to disaster down the road. If you aren’t able to communicate before marriage, you won’t be able to after marriage. Be thoughtful and make good decisions. Answer these questions alone and come together to form a partnership that will last the decades!
